Akatsuki Mishaps
by PopPunkChick21
Summary: The Akatsuki buy a new base under Pein's guidance, however they run into trouble and most of it is internal. OOC and timeline inaccuracies.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**

**I do not own Naruto. Naruto is the sole property of Masashi Kishimoto.**

**Characters will be out of character and the timeline is definitely off.**

The New Base

Pein's POV

Why had I taken these idiots to a park to hold a meeting?

Right, because we didn't have a base.

"Attention," I say quietly, daring a glance up at the imbeciles I had to take control over.

Why on earth did they have to be here? More importantly, why couldn't I kill them all?

Hidan was off sacrificing a virgin, chanting about his stupid religion again. Some religion. All he was good for was not dying. Unfortunately.

Kakuzu was robbing yet another defenseless woman. Surprisingly, he hadn't robbed a bank. Yet. Maybe he had and I just didn't know about it yet.

Tobi was harassing a little girl, begging her to play with him. Lovely. The parents of the child hadn't noticed that either yet, thankfully. Angry parents weren't needed right now on top of all of the commotion.

Zetsu was doing what I assumed was his form of photosynthesis. In other words, he was off chewing on a leg he had brought with him from home.

Deidara was being his typical self, terrorizing other small children and blowing up the toys they placed on.

Sasori was making puppets out of wood, chiseling away at their features until he was satisfied and placed in on the ground to start a new one. Currently, he had made ten.

Kisame was prodding at fish in the pond just to the right of the sacrificing Hidan was doing. He looked like he was about to start crying until some blood from Hidan's sacrifice splattered onto the fish he had claimed was his new "child".

Itachi was quietly reading, propped against the tree and peering over his book occasionally at me, seeming impatient.

Konan, lovely Konan, was at my side, making her origami. As per usual, she ignored the other members in favor of staring at me.

"Pein, maybe you should-," Konan began, but was interrupted by a blonde screaming.

"I am _not_ a girl, un! Back off!"

Yet again, some unfortunate guy had mistaken Deidara for a girl. I told him he should cut his hair.

In anger, Deidara sauntered over to the group.

"Excuse me, are you the... are you in charge of these people?" a woman asked, tapping my shoulder.

I sighed. "Yes. Why?"

"Your little masked man made my daughter cry. Control your people or leave."

"I'll get him. Tobi, get back here, now!"

Tobi whined. "Leader-sama, Tobi wants to play with the girl!"

"Now, Tobi," I sighed.

The lady, exasperated, walked off, thankfully.

"You hurt my child!" Kisame screeched, charging at a bloody Hidan.

Hidan took a swing at Kisame. I shook my head, ignoring it. Why should I care? They were constantly causing problems.

Kakuzu, however, was annoyed. "Shut up. Do you know you're running people off? I can't steal from people when you two are screaming so much!"

I took that as my chance. "Everyone, get here now. I have some things I need to discuss with you all."

"Like?" Sasori inquired, his usually calm demeanor growing just as impatient as I was.

"We have purchased a new base."

Kakuzu glared. "How much did it cost?"

I sighed. "Give your weapons to Konan first."

His eyebrows furrowed together, but he reluctantly stood and handed his weapons to Konan. "How much?"

"$105,000."

Kakuzu gaped, his jaw hanging open and his eyes wide in disbelief and shock. "One hundred... one hundred and five _thousand_ dollars?!" he repeated, his voice shrill.

"Thank Tobi and Deidara. Had they just taken their disputes outside instead of ruining the base, we wouldn't have this problem."

Almsot instantly, Kakuzu's hands were around Deidara's throat.

"Get off of me, yeah," Deidara growled, his voice threatening.

"Settle down. Deidara won't blow the base up again, we can hope."

"What does it look like?" Konan asked, changing the subject.

"Large. We will, however, have to share rooms."

"Who shares with who?" Hidan and Deidara yelled simultaneously.

"I'll tell you when we get to the base."

They groaned in unison before glaring at each other and ending their protests.

"Shall we go?" Itachi asked.

I nodded, standing, and heading towards the new base.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer**

**I do not own Naruto. Naruto is the sole property of Masashi Kishimoto.**

**So sorry for not posting anything to this story in ages. I've taken a break from this one due to lack of creative ideas for things to happen. Feel free to leave reviews about what you'd like to see happen by the way, if you please! Anyways, thank you for staying interested in the story! I hope you enjoy! If you aren't comfortable with cursing, please, do not read. All words are bleeped out with stars instead of the real letters, but this does contain cursing. Warnings will be given here in the disclaimer prior to each chapter with cursing!**

Home is Where the Teammates Hate Each Other

Pein's POV

We arrived at the base in a haste, mostly because Kakuzu would not leave me alone about it. I cannot stand being rushed, but for once, I was grateful. It meant I could get rid of them sooner for them to explore the house.

Thank goodness.

"Is this it?" Konan asked me, a little skeptical.

Admittedly, the house did not look as good as I had described it. It seemed a bit more cramped.

"This is seriously just a f***ing house," Hidan complained. "You gave us a f***ing house yet you described a mansion."

"Get over it and get inside," I commanded.

"Yes, master," Deidara mocked me, marching inside.

"Why did we ever let Deidara in?" I asked myself.

Konan laughed. "You forced him in because of his skill with explosives."

"And you see where that skill led us."

"Homeless," Sasori piped up.

"Inside, puppet boy," I ordered.

Sasori nodded and walked in front of us into the new home.

"Welcome to your new home," I said, letting them settle down.

"At least it's furnished, un," Deidara murmured.

"We wouldn't need furnishings if you hadn't blown our base up," I responded.

"Who are we going to be f***ing sharing rooms with?" Hidan asked.

"Yeah," Deidara added.

"Zetsu, you will have your own room-," I began.

"Why does he get his own f***ing room?!" Hidan shouted.

"Because he eats people. Get over it, Hidan."

"Who else will be sharing, yeah?" Deidara asked, prodding for more information.

"Itachi and Kisame, you two will be sharing. Deidara, Sasori, and Tobi will be sharing. Hidan and Kakuzu will be sharing. Konan and I will be sharing."

"Why do we have to share with them?!" Deidara, Kakuzu, and Hidan shouted.

"If you keep it up, you three will be sharing a room instead," I threatened.

They fell silent.

Angry, but silent.

"Now, please, go be useful and explore the house. Everyone but Sasori, Deidara, and Tobi, go pick your rooms. Sasori, Deidara, and Tobi, go find your room. It has three beds instead of two. Zetsu, go find your room. It has one bed," I said. "One door is locked. It is my room. Break the lock, and I break your neck."

With that, they set off.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer**

**I do not own Naruto. Naruto is the sole property of Masashi Kishimoto.**

**There is cursing in this, which is bleeped out.**

Tobi's Nightmare

Deidara's POV

This base sucks. It's tinier than our old one. Much tinier. It's cramped. In our old base, we all had our own rooms. Here, I have to share a room with two people. Tobi and Sasori. Why did I get stuck with them? What did I do to deserve that?

I trudged into our bedroom to sleep for the night. There was no way I wanted to be awake any longer than needed, not with those two constantly around.

I slipped into my silk blankets and snuggled closer to the pillow. Sleep came easily.

That is, until a scream and sobbing woke me up.

At 1 in the morning.

I groaned, trying to ignore it.

However, the door banging open and the lights being shone in my eyes prevented that from happening.

"What is going on?!" I asked, sitting up and throwing a pillow.

Tobi was on his bed sobbing. Sasori was glaring at the wall. Konan was standing in the doorway blocking a very angry looking mob of fellow Akatsuki members.

"Why is that f***ing kid crying?!" Hidan yelled.

"Make him shut up," Kakuzu shouted.

"Give him a sedative or something," Kisame mumbled.

"Guys, go back to bed," Konan said, shooing them off.

The guys groaned, but returned to their bedrooms.

Konan, however, walked into ours.

"Konan, wrong room," Sasori said, glancing back at her.

"No, I'm right where I need to be," she responded. She knelt down in front of Tobi. "Did you have a nightmare?"

Tobi nodded. "Tobi had scary nightmare."

"If you have another nightmare, wake up one of the boys in here, okay? Or there will be consequences," Konan threatened in a calm voice.

Tobi paled. "Y-yes, Tobi understands."

"Good. Goodnight, boys," Konan said, waving as she turned and left.

I sighed. "Don't wake me, un," I said, turning on my side and letting sleep take me yet again.

My eyes fluttered open what felt like minutes later. I sighed, closing them again.

Poke.

I groaned, ignoring it.

Poke.

Ignore it.

Poke.

"What on Earth do you want?!" I shouted, flipping over to be faced with Tobi and a clock that read 3 in the morning.

"Deidara, senpai, Tobi had a nightmare. Can Tobi sleep with you?" Tobi asked, feigning innocence.

"No."

"But, Konan said Tobi should wake you if he has another nightmare," Tobi said, tugging at my sleeve.

"Go back to your bed."

"But, Tobi's scared!"

"I don't care, yeah."

"Pretty please, Deidara senpai?"

Sasori bolted up. "For God's sake, just let him sleep with you!"

I sighed. "Fine. Get in bed. Scream and I swear this'll be the last time you ever sleep, yeah," I grumbled, moving closer to the wall.

The stupid kid fell asleep almost instantly and left me alone for the rest of the night.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer**

**I do not own Naruto. Naruto is the sole property of Masashi Kishimoto.**

**There is cursing in this, which is bleeped out.**

**I haven't updated this in ages. I haven't updated anything in ages, honestly, but I'm trying to go through and add a few more updates to my stories. Hopefully it happens, but if not, expect some soon, probably around spring break. Sorry again, everybody.**

Chapter 4: In Death's Garden

Pein's POV

Zetsu loved gardening. Actually, it wasn't gardening that he enjoyed, really, but he loved burying himself underground and soaking up the sunlight and watering himself via the sprinklers. In our new house, however, space was a bit cramped, and because of this, he was forced to the back yard. He lost the privacy he used to have. I assumed it would be fine because, really, the Akatsuki were rather lazy and preferred to remain indoors.

Today was a sunny, bright day, and naturally Zetsu was outside working on himself. Everyone else in the Akatsuki were going about their normal daily routines. Deidara was arguing with Sasori in the living room about art. Kisame was watching a fish documentary beside of a reading Itachi. Konan was in the kitchen making paper flowers. Hidan was, as usual, threatening to kill Kakuzu and burn his money. Kakuzu was screaming at Hidan, casually throwing various objects at him.

Tobi was, for once, nowhere to be found. Nobody was complaining.

Which was suspicious.

Of course, Deidara probably had him locked up. Tobi looked up to Deidara, and a bit excessively.

Deidara was not so fond of the attention Tobi gave him.

I marched into the living room and straight to Deidara. "What did you do to Tobi?"

Deidara rolled his only visible eye. "I didn't do anything to him, yeah. Why?"

"He's being quiet."

"I sent him outside to play. He just left, un."

I paled. "Zetsu is outside."

"Yeah, un. Maybe the brat'll get eaten."

"Maybe? He probably is!"

I grabbed Deidara by the collar of his shirt and drug him outside to the back yard.

Just in time to see Tobi wandering a little bit too close to Zetsu. "Tobi wants to play with Zetsu," Tobi giggled, inching closer to a slumbering Zetsu.

Zetsu's mouth opened without his eyes moving. "Zetsu! Wake up!" I shouted, yet Zetsu did not stir.

Within moments, Tobi's head was buried inside of Zetsu's mouth. "Get Tobi outta here! It's dark in here! Tobi doesn't like the dark!"

And that's when Tobi's nightmares started again.

Every single night.

Send help. I haven't slept in a month.

Stupid Tobi.

Stupid Zetsu.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer**

**I do not own Naruto. Naruto is the sole property of Masashi Kishimoto.**

**There is cursing in this, which is bleeped out.**

**This chapter in particularly deals with adult themes.**

Chapter 5: The Girl

Pein's POV

The Akatsuki have not been living up to the name we have made for ourselves regarding the capturing of the beasts. To remedy this, I sent out Kakuzu and Hidan.

They were gone for hours past when they were due home. So, I called a meeting.

"I fear for the lives of Hidan and Kakuzu," I stated.

"You realize that Hidan is literally immortal and Kakuzu has more lives than he knows what to do with right?" Kisame asked. Deidara laughed.

"The only reason you should fear for their lives is because the only things that can kill them are each other, yeah," Deidara chuckled.

"Let me go!" a girl cried out from the front of the base. I rushed out of the meeting room to see Kakuzu and Hidan standing in our living room with a young female tied up on the floor. Apparently they had just dropped her.

Stupid Hidan and Kakuzu listening to a puny girl's orders more than mine.

"She'd sell for great money. I could make a fortune off of her!" Kakuzu exclaimed. The girl flinched.

"But she's also a f***ing virgin! I need to sacrifice her to Jashin!"

"Leader-sama can choose," Konan interjected. I nodded.

We now have a brilliant young girl as a maid.

That lasted for two days until Zetsu ate her.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer**

**I do not own Naruto. Naruto is the sole property of Masashi Kishimoto.**

**There is cursing in this, which is bleeped out.**

Chapter 6: The Fish

Pein's POV

"Today, we bury my best friend- Goldy. You were a good friend. I'll miss you."

Of course we, the Akatsuki, had to waste time for this.

It all started three days ago.

_Day 1_

"_Hey, guys, let's go to the carnival!" Kisame exclaimed._

"_We are busy. Go on your own time, Kisame," I retorted._

_And so Kisame left._

_Three hours later, he returned with a bag with a goldfish and a clear glass bowl._

_It took an hour to get it set up in the kitchen. Kisame insisted that it was the only place available to display such a fine fish. Nobody else agreed._

_Day 2_

_Kisame was hungry so he insisted that someone make breakfast. Tobi went in and made fish sticks. Kisame cried and refused to eat._

Oh, were those the delightful days. It was on day three that led us here.

_Day 3_

_The Akatsuki base woke up together for once, with the exception of Sasori, who was already awake and preparing breakfast for us. One by one he delivered specially prepared plates of food: for Itachi, toast; for Kakuzu, green eggs; for Hidan, steak; for Deidara, a bird shaped pancake; for Zetsu, a heart; for Konan, a folded pancake in the shape of a flower; for me, blueberry pancakes._

_Kisame waited patiently as Sasori kept skittering by him. It took several long minutes for Sasori to return to the living room with Kisame's meal._

_A fried goldfish._

"Does anyone have any last words for Goldy?" Kisame asked, eyes shooting over to Sasori.

Sasori nodded. "I didn't know you well from the outside, but those insides tasted delicious."


End file.
